Needless to say, all the goings on of my life have had me in a frenzy. Seriously, I feel as if the Flight of the Bumblebee should be playing in the background of my life. I also have been struggling to get time in the Word or even to pray the past few weeks. Mostly, it is because I have been too distracted to make time. I have been so busy and trying to rely on my own strength to make it that I wasn't letting God's strength help me. That is a no-no. I can't do it on my own. I know this, I just don't KNOW this very often. This refusal (because that is basically what it was) to rely on God instead of myself pretty much lead to a stress-induced melt down.
So, the story:
What triggered the stress was I realized that I need to basically fund-raise about $2000 in 20 days. Also, I have expenses to pay, but no source of income (I had to take the summer off because of my trip/meningitis). This all compounded into one ball of stress/anxiety and I wasn't letting it go. I was doing what I do. I was planning out how to make it work, but the problem was was that there was no way that I could make it work. I couldn't take care of everything, and there was a lot of stuff that was out of my control. There was nothing I could do to guarantee that everything was going to be ok. I was helpless, and that scared me.
After a difficult day, some processing, and some prayer, I realized the problem: I wasn't relying on God's strength, I was trying to do it myself. This is pretty laughable due to the fact that my strength is pretty feeble (especially after the meningitis mishap and bed rest). Also, I internalize stress and avoid it, so I wasn't processing ANYTHING (I'm an external processor). I was causing myself to fall into stress and anxiety because I wasn't a) sharing it with God, or b) letting the people in my life help me either.
Sometimes you fall and you can get back up, but other times when you fall, you have to let God help you get back up. Human strength does no good, God's strength is what really works. The problem is, you have to be willing and let His strength help you. I love reading verses about the Lord's strength and his helping. Philippians 4:13 is great (I can do all things through him who strengthens me), but I especially love Isaiah 41:10:
"fear not, for I am with you;This one speaks directly to me. I am a fearful person, it says don't fear. I often get VERY dismayed, but God is my God, I don't need to worry. I will be strengthened, helped, and held in the righteous right hand of the Almighty God.
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Even though I may need $2000, and I still have work for school, and no job, and other worries, it's ok. God has a plan, and He has the strength to see it through. I need to do my part by being faithful and trusting in Him and trying my best to follow His plan. I need to rely on His strength, and not my own, and I need to be willing to wait on Him. I had a friend who went to Japan for 7 weeks this summer, and she literally raised about $1000 in one day, on the day her funding was due. God can do amazing things, and He wants to do amazing things with me and my story. I just need to let Him.
So after this was all realized, processed, and the lesson learned, I then remembered about my blog. My resolve was to share my journey with those who I was asking to join with me in my ministry this summer. So now I am back to blogging about the lessons God has been teaching me. Strength seems to be a biggie. I know that Norway is where I am supposed to be, so I know that God will find a way to get me there. I just have to have the faith that He will.
