A Broken Phone, A Need for Patience

There seems to be a theme occurring again and again in my life: patience. Patience with my roommates,  patience with my family, patience with my co-workers. In fact, as I write this, I have to be patient with myself because I scalded my hand at work and have quite the lobster claw that is quite sore. It's everywhere, and this week, I realized, I'm not a very patient person.

So, to backtrack a little. I was walking to work the other week and I dropped my phone on a concrete sidewalk. It didn't crack or anything, but the screen stopped functioning in the proper way. It is a touchscreen phone, so the screen is kinda everything. This made communication to ANYONE challenging to the nth degree. Not only could I not text, but I kept calling people that I didn't mean to (I think I called my friend's mom 3 times in a one hour period), it texted people absolutely nonsensical words and sentences (apparently my phone is a Jedi and Igaulan is a word), and I couldn't access any of my apps (sad, I know). This meant that anything that usually took 1 minute of my life now took minimum of 5. After throwing my phone on the carpet several times in frustration, I came to the sudden epiphany that I wasn't being patient with my phone.

My first thought was: my phone is an inanimate object, it didn't have feelings, so it didn't matter if I was patient with it or not. My phone was broken. I knew that, I just didn't seem to care about the problems of my phone. I just wanted it to work when I needed it to work. I then realized, if I wasn't being patient that was a direct result of my failure, then what would I be patient with? I am most certainly not the most patient roommate, or sister, or friend, or student, or daughter. 

What about this summer? I will be trying to share the love of Christ with people who live in a post-Modern culture. What good will I be if I am not being patient with them? How will I be an effective witness if I don't learn to be patient with myself and wait on the Lord and His timing? 1 Thessalonians 5: 14 says:

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.

So that is that. I need to be more patient. I am called to be patient with the idle (oy vay), the fainthearted, and the week. I am supposed to encourage them, challenge them, admonish them, and help them. But most of all, I am to be patient with them all. It is definitely a journey (much like the rest of my life currently), but I am ready for it. I have been praying for God to work in my life before I even leave for Norway, and He has been faithful (as only He can be).

How I'm Going: a Story of God Pushing Me Out the Door.

I AM SOOOOO EXCITED!!! Why am I excited? Well, this summer I get to go to Skjolden, Norway on a mission trip for 5-6 weeks. God has been so awesome and amazing in the whole process of preparing for this trip and I just feel like I need to write it down and share my joy with the world :).

So, I didn't have any plans. My summer was looking quite drab and plain. I wanted to DO something, but I didn't know what... I could apply to be a leader at STP, I could work, I could do classes, I could work. Nothing was "jumping" out at me. I didn't know how I could use my summer, but I knew I wanted to USE it. Then I went to the Nav Missions short-term page.

I was just putzing around the page, looking at different trips, not being really intrigued by anything in particular. Then I saw a little gray dot on Norway. "Norway?" (I thought to myself). Hmmmmmm. I started thinking about it, but I didn't know. A mission trip? Did I want to spend my summer out of the country? Did I want to spend weeks raising the funds? And then I thought the Question: Did I want to give God the opportunity to use me in the lives of others and give him the time (and space) to work in my life in radical ways? Well, in the case that you might not know me personally, my immediate thought was "Wait, say what????".

I spent the next few hours in an internal battle. I didn't know if Norway was for me, I didn't know if I wanted to leave the country for that long, I didn't know if I could commit to this. Then, in talking with a dear friend, I realized: Was it fair of me to close this door on God and not give him the opportunity to work through me and in my life? I realized, I shouldn't close this door in God's face if He wanted to use it for me, it wasn't fair, to myself or Him. So, I spent the next 24 hours getting my application together. (Did I mention that all of this occurred 24 hrs. before application deadline? Well, it did). 24 hrs. later, I was sitting in my living room, thinking: "I just applied for a missions trip to Norway... What in heaven's name have I just done?"

I spent the next few days in a sort of daze. I have never been outside of the Continental U.S. (I don't really count the few days I've spent in Canada). I was pretty intimidated by what God would do through me and to me this summer. Not to mention, I am accident prone and going to a foreign country would definitely open some doors to new injuries. I didn't know exactly how my parents would feel. I prayed that if I was supposed to go to Norway, that everyone that I talked to about it would be excited for me. I prayed that I would get excited about going to Norway. I laid out my fleece like Gideon.

Over the next week, I just was swallowed by God's faithfulness. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, that I talked to about my trip was excited for me. My mom, my sisters, my grandma, my friends, my co-workers, everyone that I mentioned my trip to wanted to know more and was excited for me. My potential team leaders called me to introduce themselves and I got more and more excited. God was answering my prayer in ways that I hadn't expected.

Then, a week after applying, I got the e-mail. I was accepted to the trip. I screamed for joy in the car ride to Ignite. I called my mom, she was so excited. I called my sister, she was sooo happy for me. My dad was on the phone and he asked the dad question: "How much does it cost?". I was crushed. I felt that this was him not being excited for me. I thought my fleece was dripping wet on the soaked ground. I was suddenly so torn. I didn't know if this was indeed God's plan for me. Was I supposed to go to Norway. I spent the next evening torn and frustrated, listening to talks about going into the nations (the theme of our conference).

Then, my fleece was dry again. My dad called me the next day and said that if I was going to Norway, there were some things I needed to get and know and do. He was being supportive in his own way. He made sure I knew what the climate was like and he had done his own research into the region I would be in, where I would be staying, the climate, the recreational activities. He was being a dad and making sure that I knew what I was getting into. He approved of my trip and he was excited for me, in his own way. I told him that it meant the WORLD to me that he did that and he said, "If you believe that this is what the Lord is calling you to do this summer, then your mom and I will support you in the best way that we can." God had answered my prayer. Everyone was excited and supportive. My fleece was dry and the ground was wet around it.

And then it hit me in the face: I was going to Norway, that was where God wanted me, and He was going to change my life this summer.

That's where I'm at right now. I am going to Norway, I am fundraising, I am going with a pretty snazzy group of teammates. God has been answering prayers before and during this whole crazy process. I have to fundraise $4750, but God's got this one.

I am so excited. Not just that I'm going, but that I get to see how God is using my funding to work in  my faith. I will get to see God use me in the lives of my team and the others that I come into contact with. I will get to spend the summer in Norway, who gets to do that?

If you want to know more about my trip, I would love to talk to you. Call, text, e-mail, message, I would love to talk to you about it. I would love to tell you about how God is moving in my life. I can't wait to see where this crazy road takes me and I'd love to bring you along :).

"Do not be Anxious": "Well that was easy" (said no one ever)

So, one of my biggest issues, particularly in relation to funding, is my anxiety. Anxiety and I go waaaaaay back. You're talking to a girl who has an anxiety attack when I have to learn the layout of a new library. AP tests in high school were an apocalyptic even worthy of the Book of Revelation. We're talking, fire, brimstone, seven-headed dragon, the whole shebang. Finals week is my own personal experience of purgatory, where I am sent to pay penitence for my academic sins (procrastination being chief among them). My brain always jumps to worst-case and damage control and how to fix the problems the MIGHT happen. Might.

Tonight in discussing my fundraising and my mission trip with my mother, I realized, I am leaving in 78 days. My funding needs to be done, fertig, terminado, fini, ferdig, in just over 2 months. I think my mom clicked in right away to what was going on and tried to reverse, but the damage was done. There was a deadline, it was real, and it was staring me in the face. The sane person would say: "You have two whole months and then some, you have plenty of time," (but who in the world has ever called me sane?). I started thinking of deadlines for school, funding, things to get done before I leave the country for 6 weeks, people to talk to, calls to make, letters to write, prayers to pray, work to be done. My list just keeps growing and growing and growing. When I say snowballing, it's an understatement, my life is snow-bouldering. Then I remember: I am not supposed to be anxious, Paul tells me to not be anxious. So what do I do? I get anxious about being anxious! I'm telling you guys, I'm a pro.

Then, after taking a shower and reflecting on life and becoming more and more anxious, something hits me... there is more to the "do not be anxious" command. The whole thing can be found in Philippians 4:6 :

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

After remembering this my mind (and heart) rejoiced and said "Praise the Jesus for the but!!!". I was so caught up in being anxious and trying not to be anxious, that I was forgetting that there is a beautiful conclusion to the call for us to not be anxious. We are to not be anxious BECAUSE God wants us to present our requests and make them known to Him. I serve a God who doesn't want me to be anxious because he wants me to rest in him and give my worries over to him. I am told to pray and petition God with my requests and not only that, but to remember to be thankful. I am supposed to ask God for the funds, all $4750, I'm supposed to ask him for academic success, I am supposed to ask him to help me meet all the deadlines, make the calls, write the letters, do the work, and I am supposed to be thankful for the gifts he gives me. And it doesn't even stop there. But wait, there's more. Philippians 4:7 reads:

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

No only does God want me to pray and ask Him for everything and for Him to fill my needs, he will give me peace when I do. He will use that peace to guard my heart and my mind, to protect me from myself.

So yes, I am not to be anxious, but there is a reason. It isn't some vague commandment that doesn't have an explanation. The reason is clear: that reason is because my God has got my back. Does this mean that I will never struggle with anxiety again? HAHAHA, Good one. I will. Probably for the rest of my life, because I am human, and I sin, and I fail, several times. However, this does mean that every time I catch myself falling into the desperate pit of dread, I have a rope. I can climb out, and I don't even have to climb out, cause my God will pull me up.

The Beginnings of a Journey

So, here we go. This is an excursion into a medium that I haven't really had a desire to explore. But, God has silly ways of working in your heart and putting desires and convictions in there that you never thought would be a part of you at all. So here we go.

I don't pretend to be a wordsmith of any form. I can claim to be a decent writer, but I have never written for fun. I always just thought to leave the blogs of the world to the English majors and uber smart technology gurus. Well, that has obviously changed. So here is the story of how this blog has come about:

Some people are aware that I am indeed going on a mission trip to Skjolden, Norway this summer. When talking to a friend about preparing for my trip, she encouraged me to start writing down my thoughts, prayers, feelings, etc. To keep a journal of my life and what God is doing in it. Well, journaling in my past has either been the typical 7th grade sorrowful entries that are my own personal form of Lamentations, or my prayer journal... Journaling was an option, but not optimal. My thoughts then turned to the idea of blogging. I liked the idea of writing down my thoughts, but exposing those thoughts, fears, prayers to the world? Why would I want to expose myself to the world. Then, my thoughts turned to the fundraising journey that God has me on right now. And then conviction came upon me like a ton of bricks.

In my fundraising letters, I asked people to partner with me in my ministry to the people that I will be meeting this summer. I asked people to take money out of their pockets and help support me as I follow the Great Commission given to us in Matthew 28:19-20. I was willing to accept their partnership, and ask for it, but was I willing to meet them halfway and partner with them myself? In this area, I desperately fell short. When I went to orientation for my trip, we were encouraged to look at Paul and how he relied on the financial support of the Church to further the gospel of his time. Paul called it a partnership. Paul wrote letters to his partners, thanking God for them and praying for them. Paul shared life with them and shared his ministry with them. Philippians 1:3-6 says: 

³ I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, ⁴ always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, ⁵ because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. ⁶ And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion atthe day of Jesus Christ.

Paul's actual word usage there in the Greek comes closer to the point, meaning: fellowship, community, association, communion, JOINT PARTICIPATION. In my funding, I was expecting people to participate with me, but I was not thinking it was necessary to meet them halfway and participate with them. This is of course, wrong of me. (Leave it to Paul to smack you good on the head, just when you feel like you are doing a decent job)

So, thus my journey begins into the world of the blogger. Putting my thoughts, fears, anxieties, joys, praises, warts and all out into the cyber world we enjoy so much for all to see.